The Flying Dunchman's Five Rudest Riffs

This idea has been dunching in and out of my mind for a while, but I figure it's high time to share it with the three or four people who read this blog, and maybe also get some reader participation. So dunch down and dunch in, hard.

Without any further finger-jawing, here is my list of riffs that aren't just not going to hold the door for you, they are going to stare you down while it closes.

#5 Mother Puncher - Mastodon

This song actually has two amazing riffs: the first one and the second one.

#4 Five Minutes Alone - Pantera

If you made a play list of songs to curb stomp somebody to in slow motion, it would just be this song ten times. That's actually probably why it's not higher on my list; it's far beyond rude. It's goddamn brutal, borderline psychopathic and it makes me more than a little uncomfortable. I bet Jesus makes Dimer play this all the time.

#3 Caught in a Mosh - Anthrax

Honestly, you could pretty much replace this one with about anything else from Anthrax's library, I just like the bass line in this one the most. Before Scott Ian was a bald dude with an ostentatious goatee saying things on VH1, he was a dude with hair and an ostentatious goatee that wrote some killer licks with Dan Spitz. Eventually, Spitz got bored with guitars and decided to fix watches.

Seriously.

#2 A National Acrobat - Black Sabbath

Tony Iommi wrote riffs like only a man who lost parts of his digits in an industrial accident could - very rudely. There are a ton of other Sabbath songs with flat out mean riffs, this one just has that little hook at the end that forces your lips to curl uncontrollably into a ish-eating smirk.

#1 Turk - High on Fire

You gotta wait about 50 seconds for this one, but it is totally worth it. Heck, I waited about 23 years for it and it was totally worth it. I wondered if Matt Pike realized what he had done, and you can see the answer for yourself here at 1:28 in.

There you have it. In conclusion, I'd like to give a shout out to E. Reinkenstein, a man so metal he pisses electrons, and dedicate my honorable mention to him. Owner of an honorable mention, much better than an owner of a dishonorable discharge.